The Bawdy Cloister

You may have noticed I quit posting my list of movies rented each month. I cancelled my subscription after getting my new job. However, I occassionally still run to the store and grab a DVD on weekends.

I just finished watching a movie I've been meaning to see for 5 years. I was reminded of it this afternoon while writing about ABC's World News Now (see previous post.)

Back in 1999, Juju & Anderson had a frequent guest on the show, ABC's legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin. That year I read his book, A Vast Conspiracy. The book is a 400+ page narrative of the Clinton/Lewinsky saga with colorful chapter titles like, "Draw the Penis for Me," and "Mr. Genitalia and the Perjury Ladies." Anyway, in it Toobin mentions that Paula Jone's husband, Steve Jones was a struggling actor, most noted for his role as the Ghost of Elvis in the film Mystery Train.

Shortly after reading the book, I ordered a VHS copy of the movie from Amazon.com and had it sent to my parents home (Since I was moving shortly it would be less to pack.) So a couple of months later I get home, pop in the movie, and nothing. It was blank...just static. I didn't bother trying to return it since it had been a few months since I ordered it. Time passed and I never bothered to track down another copy. Until tonight.

Was it worth the wait?

Dan Rather set to retire in March

Who will replace him? I have an answer:

For a brief time in 1999 a legendary co-anchorship existed on ABC's late night news broadcast World News Now. The show aired at 2am, so most Americans slept straight through this magical moment in journalism history. With the departure of Dan Rather, it's time to reunite the dream team!

Every night was filled with antics...here are just a couple:

"Across the U.S. rationing measures have been imposed due to a
shortage of those
over-the-shoulder boxes used on TV news," Cooper said
straight-faced. "The
shoulder boxes are typically used as a graphic reminder
of whatever story is
being read by the news anchor at the time. Network and
local news shows
typically use as many as a dozen per half-hour. The
shortage is being blamed on
24-hour news channels, possibly MSNBC...
"Thankfully, camera turns remain
plentiful," Cooper said as he made an
exaggerated turn from one camera to
another. Anchor Juju Chang could be
heard laughing in the background.

and...

Barkes, a computer systems consultant in database publishing, sent a videotape of himself offering commentary to "World News Now" for the show's viewer feedback segment. Not only did they play the tape, but they invited him on the show when producers learned he was in New York on business. Chang even asked him to read the weather off a TelePrompTer.

Here's a testimonial:

[I]'ve never been more entertained, on a regular basis, watching a newscast than
back in the day (must have been, what, 5 or 6 years ago now? more?) when
Anderson Cooper and Juju Chang anchored World News Now in the
super-early morning.
Since their respective departures, ABC has made
pathetic attempts to interject the same energy into this newscast, and has
failed.... -- TBall, July 3, 2004

You must be asking yourself what you can do to help. Simply follow this link and tell the good folks at CBS to hire Juju and Anderson!

For more complete coverage on the life and times of Juju & Anderson read this article.

Perhaps you saw the Crime Investigator themed advertising campaign earlier this year for Apple Jacks™. The commercials starred three young teens who set out to solve a crime. They recruited thousands of Apple Jacks™ consuming kids across the nation to help them.


The A.J.I.S. – the Apple Jacks™ Investigative Squad

Here's how they explained the crime to the kids:

On the night of December 8, 2003, at exactly 9:04 p.m. someone, somehow, entered the Apple Jacks™ production process and changed the shape of our cereal.
Kids across the nation are up in arms. “What’s the big deal?” you ask. Apple Jacks™ aren’t supposed to look like jack shapes. (Just like they aren’t supposed to taste like apples.) A crime has been committed, and the A.J.I.S. won’t stand for it. Ever since Apple Jacks™ were invented, certain people have wanted them to make sense and look like jack shapes. Today, cereal-making technology has advanced to the point where jack-shaped Apple Jacks™ are possible and certain people are demanding a change. But those people just don’t get it. Kids don’t want their Apple Jacks™ to look like jack shapes. They want them to stay the shape they’ve always been.
The A.J.I.S. is made up of a trio of bright young people who can resolve any situation that damages the integrity of Apple Jacks® Cereal. With the help of thousands of field agents across the country, they can find out who changed our ’JACKS and rectify the situation as swiftly as possible. The A.J.I.S. is our best hope for getting our cereal back.

Jack-shaped Apple Jacks™

This summer the crime was solved. Ms. Habeas, a lawyer, did it. Kellogg's then released the following message to the kids:

With your help, the A.J.I.S. found the fiend responsible for putting the jack shapes in our cereal, and returned Apple Jacks® to the way they were always meant to be. Once again, they don’t taste like apples and they don’t look like jacks.

Fine. But that mystery was fiction.

Now that our nation's children are experienced cereal crime investigators, I'm calling on them to solve a real Apple Jacks™ mystery.

Exhibit 1:


This is a picture of Apple Jacks™ taken in 1977. Notice that it is fortified with 8 Essential Vitamins and 2 Minerals.

Exhibit 2:


This is a picture of Apple Jacks™ taken in 1980. It is now fortified with 10 Essential Vitamins and Minerals.

In the late 1970s an underground movement was afoot to create equality between vitamins and minerals. In 1977, vitamins were deemed essential while minerals were not. By 1980, Apple Jacks™ had succumbed to the movement's wishes.

“What’s the big deal?” you ask. Apple Jacks™ aren’t supposed to appear healthy. (Just like they aren’t supposed to taste like apples.) A crime has been committed, and the A.J.I.S. won’t stand for it. Ever since Apple Jacks™ were invented, certain people have wanted them to be a part of a complete nutritious breakfast. But those people just don’t get it. Kids don’t want every ingredient in their Apple Jacks™ to be essential. They want them to stay as unnecessary as they’ve always been.

Your task is clear. Rectify the situation and bring those responsible to justice.

Alfred Kazin

Here is a link to a book review written by our Denver Jackson in 1999!

Don't waste your time trying to email him at the given address though, it no longer functions....that would be too easy.

Denver Jackson baiting a catfish line with the Professor

Okay, first to answer J Go's question: This is Calvin Trillin. But that's all I'm saying about him, because I'm sure if you want to speak with Calvin he's just a call to an agent away. The pressing question at the moment is "Denver Jackson." That's right, no question mark necessary. His name alone is an enigma. The photo above is the only other picture I have of Denver Jackson. (If some Guy really does have a shot of Denver with my evil brother I would love a copy.)

Here is an abbreviated update I've pulled from J Go's site:

Who was Denver Jackson? Nobody seems to know. Let me try to lay out the facts:
- It is pretty clear that he actually did exist (see Rowdy Theologian's photo). Unless he was the product of a mass hallucination because my friends Guy S., Arquette, and others actually did meet him.
- I had a class with him, and he was there for at least the first half of the quarter.
Beyond that the facts are murky.
- He may have been a drop out of a Catholic Seminary (one week from his final vows).
- He may have been the nephew of the Pop Artist Roy Lichtenstein (whom he called Uncle Lichy).
- He may have had a regular summer job breaking horses.
- He may have been from Bryan, Ohio.
- He may have been engaged to be married around 1994 or so.
- He may have been a friend of former Ohio Governor Dick Celeste.

The above claims were heard directly by me from Denver Jackson himself. The last confirmed contact was with the Rowdy Theologian, who had agreed to meet him in front of the Pantheon in Rome , where he never showed up and has never been seen again.

And a comment from some Guy:

I know a few other things about Denver Jackson (although when discussing Denver, the word "know" is a bit strong):

1) He may have almost been on the TV show "Jeopardy"
2) He may or may not have had months to live in 1995
3) He agreed, at least verbally, to be my house-mate for the 1995-1996 school year. We discussed it in the spring, but I never heard from him again. I ended up sharing a house with The Rowdy Theologian, which was certainly enlightening. I think Denver is on a quest to find out what is written on I.M.Pei's tombstone.

If anyone has any knowledge of the whereabouts of Denver Jackson, or any knowledge about Denver Jackson at all for that matter, please let us know.

Denver Jackson & Calvin Trillin
from Rowdy's Private Collection

Okay, John, you asked for it (see comment in the previous post.) A discussion about Denver Jackson:
The picture above hangs in my office at the Cloister. It's hung on my wall for years in an attempt to convince myself that Denver Jackson truly existed. A scholar of the Classics, a devout Catholic theologian, Denver was known to spontaneously break into song, most notably a festive rendition of Groucho Marx's Lydia the Tattooed Lady. Seldom seen without his trusty pipe, Denver was a master fisherman and drinker of strong coffee.
Elusive at best...Denver was known to disappear for months on end, leaving one to question whether he was but a figment of the imagination. The last time I talked to him we agreed to meet in front of the Pantheon in Rome for cappuccino. He never showed nor has been seen or heard from since.

I remember watching That's Incredible! when I was in kindergarten. The only problem was I never found that much terribly incredible. For example, I remember a story on one show where a girl received money on her birthday from a relative. On one of the bills was written "Happy Birthday, Karen! Love, Uncle Joe." (Or something similar.) Anyway, years later she withdrew the money from her account and one of the bills she received had the birthday message written on it. I remember thinking as a 5 year old, "What's so incredible about that? She put the money in the bank, and she took it out. Big deal."

I also remember watching The People's Court a couple of years later. I never understood why the people would argue...at age 7 I had the solution that would make the show obsolete...rather than argue, if you're wrong just apologize.

This morning I woke up and found the Democrats' Rising Star, Barack Obama giving an interview on TV. He told Democrats that the key to success is to compromise with Republicans. He was about as inspiring as Tom Daschle on Vicodin.

Message to Sen. Elect Obama: Fight or Resign!

Why must you taste so good?

Dear Michael Moore, Cornel West, Howard Dean, Dennis Kucinich, and all ye other "progressive" supporters of John Kerry,