The Bawdy Cloister

How is it that the 2004 U.S. presidential election has devolved into a battle of ketchups? Both major parties exalt their brand, and again demonstrate to the world that Republicans and Democrats offer nothing but a choice between two evils. That's right, ketchup is evil. It is a condiment made from the tomato, the demonic fruit denounced by the Church when it concluded that, "[T]omatoes, if not rooted out, could lead to a breakdown of law and order, including an outbreak of marijuana cultivation."
In 2000, some misguided souls disagreed and took the Church to court in order to plant tomatoes on a family member's gravesite. The worldly judge disregarded the Church's argument and ruled for the plaintiffs, an act of utter hubris. By 2003, the "breakdown of law and order" had begun with the tomato-related death of 23 year old Steven Keim.
We should take time this campaign season to reflect on our nation's sinful devotion to ketchup. We ought to consider why followers of the blasphemous Cult of Chuu so frequently present offerings of ketchup to their idols and allude to ketchup in their heretical blessings.
On the other hand, ask why the Bible is void of ketchup. Indeed ketchup is sacrilege.
Let us also reflect on Christ's penchant for mustard. The New Testament repeats the parable of the mustard seed three times in the books of Matthew, Mark, and Luke. ( John was stranded on the island of Patmos and must not have received the message.) In the parable, Jesus compares mustard to the Kingdom of God! How far have we strayed as a nation when our leaders offer us only the fruit that is thrown as a show of ridicule? God demands mustard. Who will you follow on Election Day?


This Rowdy commentary brought to you by Mustard Lovers for Nader who remind you that, "Revolutionaries always spoil corrupt systems."