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- Name: Rowdy Theologian
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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Kindergarten: 25 Years Out
I graduated from kindergarten in the spring of 1980. If you do the math, this year marks the 25th anniversary of that great achievement. Although I've yet to receive an invitation to a reunion, I've been reflecting on my experiences from that time recently.
Perhaps the most gratifying memory is reading my first "thick" book cover to cover. It was called Programmed Reading Book 1. I still have it, here's the cover:
I thought it was the neatest book in the world because it was interactive. The book was a series of questions with an answer column. You'd cover the column with a bookmark, answer the questions, and scoot the book mark down the page to check your answers. Here's the first page:
I remember reading this during recess while the other kids were playing with toys. I was one of just a handful in my class that read through the entire program. Not bad for a 5 year old later diagnosed with ADD.
I'll also never forget the day I was sent to "The Corner." The teacher asked a question to which the entire class replied in unison "Yes!!!" I had tuned out the question but thought it might be cute to contradict everyone, so I shouted "NOOOOOO!" at the top of my lungs. Whatever the question was, my answer earned me a spot in the corner the entire recess.
Anyway, I have tons of memories from the 79-80 school year. But the one thing that stands out in my mind the most were The Letter People. Each morning we would wonder if a new one would appear, the teacher would introduce them sporadically and without notice. It seemed like weeks would pass without one, then, Surprise! We'd arrive and there would be a new character at the front of the room.
My brother is aware of my abiding love for The Letter People. He is also aware that Mr. S, a.k.a. "Super Socks," was my favorite. He knows that because for the last 25 years I've complained that I never got to play with Mr. S during recess. My chair was too far from the play area and Mr. S was always taken by the time I got there (that's why I always ended up reading that damn book!)
Well, this week I got a package in the mail from my brother...it was a Mr. S!
O fate, O fault, O curse, child of my blisse!
What sobs can giue words grace my griefe to show?
What inke is blacke inough to paint my woe?
Something was terribly wrong. The Mr. S my brother sent me looked like a Barbapapa stuffed in a Christmas stocking. Was my memory that far off? I was certain Mr. S looked more like Robin stuffed in a Christmas stocking....
I quickly hopped onto the net to do some research. The good news, my memory had not failed me. The bad news...The Letter People were bought out and "revised" in 1990. Today Letter People are but a shadow of their former selves. Not only are they completely made over, their characteristics have changed as well. Most notably, all the vowels used to be girls and all the consonants were guys. Now the ratio is split 13/13. Also, the girls were called "Miss" now they're called "Ms."
Screw it... I know this is a long post, but keep reading. Here comes the full treatment. On the left is the new version and on the right the original, followed by my commentary:
Ms. A, a.k.a. Ms. A'choo, now sneezes with her eyes closed! In the 70's & 80's she was buddies with Dama Blanca...eyes would never close. Thanks alot, Mrs. Reagan.
Mr. Beautiful Buttons, hasn't changed much, though his hair is thinning.
"C" is for Catastrophic. Mr. C was once "Mr. Cotton Candy," but now he's "Colossal Cap." This was apparently an effort to remove junk food from the curriculum. For shame.
Come on! Kindergarten reading class is not the cause of childhood obesity! Mr. Delicious Doughnuts is now Dazzling Dance...or better, Drooly Dime Dropper.
The androgynous Ms. Exercise Energy replaces Miss Exercise. Those shoulder pads used to be quite a turn on.
The funny thing about Mr. Funny Feet was that he didn't have feet! There's nothing funny about being barefoot.
Mr. Gooey Gum has sobered up, but is still pretty careless.
Mr. Horrible Hair has become Mr. Happy Hair. I remember Horrible Hair being a pretty popular character in class. I can't imagine kids today fighting over the Merry Mullet.
This is probably one of the most disturbing changes. Miss Itchy Itch has become Mr. Impossible Inches. For God's sake...the Letter People are for children!
Again, another cool character gone queer. Mr. Jumbled Junk is now Jingle Jangle Jacket.
Mr. Kicking K is now Ms. Kaboom Kick. Which do you find more Kredible?
Mr. Lemon Lollipops is now Mr. Longest Laugh...just another sour slight slamming sweets.
How's this for hypocritical...after pains-takingly removing all junk food innuendo from Letter People Land, Mr. Munching Mouth is no longer a fatty!
Perhaps the one improvement, the old Mr. Noisy Nose used to give me the creeps. Though I still wouldn't want to share a room with this guy...why couldn't they create Ms. Natural Nursing?
Miss Obstinate is now Mr. Opposite, and we no longer teach the word "obstinate" to kids until 11th grade.
Mr. Pointy patches was much more mellow before entering rehab.
Mr. Quiet is now Mr. Quiet Questions...whereas Mr. Quiet Questions appears shocked and ambivalent about asking what just happened to him, Mr. Quiet looks confident that you'll keep his secret from the authorities.
Hmmmm....Mr. Ripping Rubberbands was too aggressive, so they turned him into Mr. Rainbow Ribbons! John Wayne would roll over in his grave....
See...I wasn't kidding, old Super Socks=Robin, new Super Socks=Barbapapa.
Mr. Tall Teeth: Another popular character sanitized beyond recognition.
Miss Umbrella is now Ms. Unusual Umbrella. Nancy Reagan strikes again..."Isn't that funny boys and girls, the umbrella is floppy!" It took more than that to get our attention in the 70s.
Pimps aren't PC either?! Mr. Velvet Vest is now Ms. Vegetable Vest. That's just absurd.
Mr. Winking turned into Mr. Wonderful Words. What's so wrong with winking that they had to come up with such a dumb new character? Are "windy," word," and "wow" really that wonderful?
Get this one. Mr. Mixed Up is now Mr. Different. What on earth does "different" have to do with either the letter "X" or standing on your head? At least Mr. Mixed Up had an "X" in his name and was physically defective.
Mr. Yawning became Ms. Yodeling Yawn. Mr. Yawning looked tired, little Missy should at least wear lederhosen if she wants to appear to be yodeling instead of gagging.
Mr. Zipping Zippers. Perhaps another, very rare, instance where the make-over worked.
|
Perhaps the most gratifying memory is reading my first "thick" book cover to cover. It was called Programmed Reading Book 1. I still have it, here's the cover:
I thought it was the neatest book in the world because it was interactive. The book was a series of questions with an answer column. You'd cover the column with a bookmark, answer the questions, and scoot the book mark down the page to check your answers. Here's the first page:
I remember reading this during recess while the other kids were playing with toys. I was one of just a handful in my class that read through the entire program. Not bad for a 5 year old later diagnosed with ADD.
I'll also never forget the day I was sent to "The Corner." The teacher asked a question to which the entire class replied in unison "Yes!!!" I had tuned out the question but thought it might be cute to contradict everyone, so I shouted "NOOOOOO!" at the top of my lungs. Whatever the question was, my answer earned me a spot in the corner the entire recess.
Anyway, I have tons of memories from the 79-80 school year. But the one thing that stands out in my mind the most were The Letter People. Each morning we would wonder if a new one would appear, the teacher would introduce them sporadically and without notice. It seemed like weeks would pass without one, then, Surprise! We'd arrive and there would be a new character at the front of the room.
My brother is aware of my abiding love for The Letter People. He is also aware that Mr. S, a.k.a. "Super Socks," was my favorite. He knows that because for the last 25 years I've complained that I never got to play with Mr. S during recess. My chair was too far from the play area and Mr. S was always taken by the time I got there (that's why I always ended up reading that damn book!)
Well, this week I got a package in the mail from my brother...it was a Mr. S!
O fate, O fault, O curse, child of my blisse!
What sobs can giue words grace my griefe to show?
What inke is blacke inough to paint my woe?
Something was terribly wrong. The Mr. S my brother sent me looked like a Barbapapa stuffed in a Christmas stocking. Was my memory that far off? I was certain Mr. S looked more like Robin stuffed in a Christmas stocking....
I quickly hopped onto the net to do some research. The good news, my memory had not failed me. The bad news...The Letter People were bought out and "revised" in 1990. Today Letter People are but a shadow of their former selves. Not only are they completely made over, their characteristics have changed as well. Most notably, all the vowels used to be girls and all the consonants were guys. Now the ratio is split 13/13. Also, the girls were called "Miss" now they're called "Ms."
Screw it... I know this is a long post, but keep reading. Here comes the full treatment. On the left is the new version and on the right the original, followed by my commentary:
Ms. A, a.k.a. Ms. A'choo, now sneezes with her eyes closed! In the 70's & 80's she was buddies with Dama Blanca...eyes would never close. Thanks alot, Mrs. Reagan.
Mr. Beautiful Buttons, hasn't changed much, though his hair is thinning.
"C" is for Catastrophic. Mr. C was once "Mr. Cotton Candy," but now he's "Colossal Cap." This was apparently an effort to remove junk food from the curriculum. For shame.
Come on! Kindergarten reading class is not the cause of childhood obesity! Mr. Delicious Doughnuts is now Dazzling Dance...or better, Drooly Dime Dropper.
The androgynous Ms. Exercise Energy replaces Miss Exercise. Those shoulder pads used to be quite a turn on.
The funny thing about Mr. Funny Feet was that he didn't have feet! There's nothing funny about being barefoot.
Mr. Gooey Gum has sobered up, but is still pretty careless.
Mr. Horrible Hair has become Mr. Happy Hair. I remember Horrible Hair being a pretty popular character in class. I can't imagine kids today fighting over the Merry Mullet.
This is probably one of the most disturbing changes. Miss Itchy Itch has become Mr. Impossible Inches. For God's sake...the Letter People are for children!
Again, another cool character gone queer. Mr. Jumbled Junk is now Jingle Jangle Jacket.
Mr. Kicking K is now Ms. Kaboom Kick. Which do you find more Kredible?
Mr. Lemon Lollipops is now Mr. Longest Laugh...just another sour slight slamming sweets.
How's this for hypocritical...after pains-takingly removing all junk food innuendo from Letter People Land, Mr. Munching Mouth is no longer a fatty!
Perhaps the one improvement, the old Mr. Noisy Nose used to give me the creeps. Though I still wouldn't want to share a room with this guy...why couldn't they create Ms. Natural Nursing?
Miss Obstinate is now Mr. Opposite, and we no longer teach the word "obstinate" to kids until 11th grade.
Mr. Pointy patches was much more mellow before entering rehab.
Mr. Quiet is now Mr. Quiet Questions...whereas Mr. Quiet Questions appears shocked and ambivalent about asking what just happened to him, Mr. Quiet looks confident that you'll keep his secret from the authorities.
Hmmmm....Mr. Ripping Rubberbands was too aggressive, so they turned him into Mr. Rainbow Ribbons! John Wayne would roll over in his grave....
See...I wasn't kidding, old Super Socks=Robin, new Super Socks=Barbapapa.
Mr. Tall Teeth: Another popular character sanitized beyond recognition.
Miss Umbrella is now Ms. Unusual Umbrella. Nancy Reagan strikes again..."Isn't that funny boys and girls, the umbrella is floppy!" It took more than that to get our attention in the 70s.
Pimps aren't PC either?! Mr. Velvet Vest is now Ms. Vegetable Vest. That's just absurd.
Mr. Winking turned into Mr. Wonderful Words. What's so wrong with winking that they had to come up with such a dumb new character? Are "windy," word," and "wow" really that wonderful?
Get this one. Mr. Mixed Up is now Mr. Different. What on earth does "different" have to do with either the letter "X" or standing on your head? At least Mr. Mixed Up had an "X" in his name and was physically defective.
Mr. Yawning became Ms. Yodeling Yawn. Mr. Yawning looked tired, little Missy should at least wear lederhosen if she wants to appear to be yodeling instead of gagging.
Mr. Zipping Zippers. Perhaps another, very rare, instance where the make-over worked.